Funny Blogs

Statue of the Day

2009-11-27T22:00:00.000-08:00

Nice Reply

2009-07-29T05:10:00.000-07:00

These are Brilliant

2009-06-25T20:28:00.001-07:00

Good Jokes

2009-06-25T20:01:00.000-07:00

Ideas for Suicides

2009-05-06T04:48:00.000-07:00

Two Opposite Suicides

2009-03-30T22:12:00.003-07:00

2008-11-26T20:51:00.000-08:00

Police arrestd a drunkard & askd: Where r u goin?
Man: I'm goin 2 listen lecture on ill effcts of drinking.
Cop: Who'll lecture at midnite?
Man: My wife...

Law Professor: Which is the most important LAW of Finance for Starting a New Business?
Student: Father-in-Law!

Before marriage: Roses are red, sky is blue. U r beautiful, I luv u.
After marriage: Roses are dead, I'm blue. U r my headache, one day I'll kill u.

Man: Is there any way for long life?
Dr: Get married.
Man: Will it help?
Dr: No, but the thought of long life will never come.

What's the biggest pressure for Pak captain when Pak needs 1 run to win in 8 over’s, with 5 wickets in hand?
Ya Allah! How to speak English in presentation ceremony?

Beggar: Saab 12Rs do na coffee peeni hai.
Man: Lekin coffee to 6Rs ki hai?
Beggar: Par saab girlfrend bhi to hai.
Man: Bhikari hokar bhi GF banali.
Beggar: Na saab,GF ne Bhikari bana diya!

Q: Why do women live longer than men?
A: Shopping never causes heart attacks, but paying the bill does!

Wats the diff between Complete & Finished?
If you find good wife u r complete otherwise u r finished.

So many options: Poison, sleeping pills, hanging, jumping from a building, lying on train tracks, but we chose Marriage, slow but sure!

Have u heard about the man who threw his wife into a pond of crocodiles? He's now being harassed by the animal rights for being cruel to the crocodiles.

Two men r talking. 1st: I got married coz I was tired of eating out, cleaning the house, doing the laundry & wearing shabby clothes.
2nd: Amazing, I just got divorced for the very same reasons

Wife: If I dismiss the cook and make the food myself for a month, what will you pay me?
Husband: I won't have to pay you, you'll get my entire insurance amount.

Poor Boys

2008-08-01T02:19:00.000-07:00

When a Girl Cries ------------ The World "Consoles" her
But when a boy cries ---------- Come on man don't be A "Girl"

If A Girl slaps a Boy ----------- Definitely the Boy would have "done something"
If Boy Slaps a girl ------------ -- Rascal doesn't know how to "Respect Ladies"

If a Girl is talking to Boys ----- She is "Very Friendly"
If a Boy talks to a Girl ---------- He is "flirting"

If a Girl meets with accident ------------ -------- Then its "mistake of others"
If a Boy meets with same accident ------------ Bloody you "don't know how to Drive"

Sardar Jokes

2008-07-11T03:13:00.000-07:00

Q. Why can't Sardar dial 911?
A. They can not find the eleven on the phone

Q. What will a Sardarji do after taking photocopies?
A. He will compare it with the original for spelling mistakes !!

Q. What will a sardarji do if he wants an additional white sheet of paper?
A. As he has already one with him, he takes a photocopy of the white paper !!!

Q. Why did 18 sardarjis go to a movie?
A. Because below 18 was not allowed.

Q. How do you measure a Sardar's intelligence?
A. Stick a tyre pressure gauge in his ear.

Q. What do you do when a Sardar throws a hand grenade at you?
A. Pull the pin and throw it back.

Q. What do you do when a Sardar throws a pin at you?
A. Run like crazy….he's got a hand grenade in his mouth.

Q. How do you make a Sardar laugh on Saturday?
A. Tell him a joke on Wednesday.

Q. What is the Sardar doing when he holds his hands tightly over his ears?
A. Trying to hold on to a thought.

Q. Why do Sardars work seven days a week?
A. So you don't have to re-train them on Monday.

Q. Why can't Sardars make ice cubes?
A. They always forget the recipe.

Q. How did the Sardar try to kill the bird?
A. He threw it off a cliff.

Q. What do you call 10 Sardars standing ear to ear?
A. A wind tunnel.

Q. What do you see when you look into a Sardar's eyes?
A. The back of his head.

Q. Why does Sardar always smile during lightning storms?
A. They think their picture is being taken.

Q. Why does Sardar have "TGIF" written on their shoes?
A. Toes Go In First.

Q. How can you tell when Sardar sends you a fax?
A. It has a stamp on it.

Q. How do you get Sardar on the roof?
A. Tell him the drinks are on the house.

Q. "Oh, look at the dead bird.
A. " Sardar looked skyward and said "Where, Where?

One cup tea or One cup trouble!

2008-06-10T00:53:00.000-07:00

A Sardar joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee.

On his first day, he dialed the kitchen and shouted into the phone: "Get me a cup of coffee, quickly!"

The voice from the other side responded: "You fool; you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?"

"No" replied the trainee.

"It's the Managing Director of the company, you idiot!"

Sardar shouted back: "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you IDIOT?"

"No!" replied the Managing Director angrily.

"Thank God!" replied the Sardar and put down the phone

Subject: Problems with my new computer

2008-05-11T21:41:00.000-07:00

Subject: Problems with my new computer

Dear Mr. Bill Gates,

We have bought a computer for our home and we have found some problems, which I want to bring to your notice.

There is a button 'start' but there is no 'stop' button. We request you to check this.
We find there is 'Run' in the menu. One of my friends clicked 'run' he ran up to Amritsar ! So, we request you to change that to 'sit', so that we can click that by sitting.
One doubt is whether any 're-scooter' is available in system? I find only 're-cycle', but I own a scooter at my home.
There is 'Find' button but it is not working properly. My wife lost the door key and we tried a lot trace the key with this ' find' button, but was unable to trace. Please rectify this problem.
My child learnt 'Microsoft word' now he wants to learn 'Microsoft sentence', so when you will provide that?
I brought computer, CPU, mouse and keyboard, but there is only one icon which shows 'MY Computer': when you will provide the remaining items?
It is surprising that windows says 'MY Pictures' but there is not even a single photo of mine. So when will you keep my photo in that.
There is 'MICROSOFT OFFICE' what about 'MICROSOFT HOME' since I use the PC at home only.
You provided 'My Recent Documents'. When you will provide 'My Past Documents'?
You provide 'My Network Places'. For God shake please do not provide 'My Secret Places'. I do not want to let my wife know where I go after my office hours.

Regards,

Banta

Last one from me to Mr. Bill Gates :

Sir, how is it that your name is Gates but u are selling WINDOWS?

Self Appraisal!..... Nice one.

2008-05-04T23:20:00.000-07:00

It's a telephonic conversation of a boy!!

The store-owner observed and listened to the conversation:

Boy: "Lady, Can you give me the job of cutting your lawn?
Woman: (at the other end of the phone line): "I already have someone to cut my lawn."

Boy: "Lady, I will cut your lawn for half the price of the person who cuts your lawn now."
Woman: I'm very satisfied with the person who is presently cutting my lawn.

Boy: (with more perseverance): "Lady, I'll even sweep your curb and your sidewalk, so on Sunday you will have the prettiest lawn in all of Palm beach , Florida
Woman: No, thank you.

With a smile on his face, the little boy replaced the receiver. The store-owner, who was listening to all this, walked over to the boy.

Store Owner: "Son... I like your attitude; I like that positive spirit and would like to offer you a job."
Boy: "No thanks,

Store Owner: But you were really pleading for one.
Boy: No Sir, I was just checking my performance at the job I already have. I am the one who is working for that lady, I was talking to!"

This is what we call "Self Appraisal"

School Days

2008-04-22T19:52:00.000-07:00

Teacher :"What is your name?".
Student: "Mera naam Suraj Prakash hai."
Teacher:"When I ask a question in English, answer it in english."
Student:"My name is Sunlight.

Teacher: What happened in 1869?
Student : Gandhi ji was born.
Teacher : What happened in 1873?
Student:Gandhiji was four years old.

Question: What is the fullform of maths.
Answer: Mentally affected teachers harassing students

Teacher : Now children , if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him then what virtue would I be showing ?
Student : BROTHERLY LOVE

Teacher : Because of Gandhiji's hard work what do we get on 15th August.
Student: A holiday

Teacher : Tomorrow there will be a lecture on Sun.Everyone must attend it.
Raju: No ma'm! I will not be able to attend it.
Teacher : Why?
Raju: My mother will not allow me to go so far!!!

Teacher: "Can anyone give me an example of Coincidence? "
Johnny: "Sir, my mother and father got married on the same day same time."

Teacher: How old is ur father.
Sunny: As old as I am.
Teacher: How is it possible?
Sunny: He became father only after I was born. (1st Rank)

Gandhism - Redefined...

2008-04-08T21:41:00.000-07:00

S/W Engineer vs Doctor vs Priest

2008-03-31T06:44:00.000-07:00

A Priest, a Doctor and an Software ENGINEER die and go to heaven, they hear God's voice and it says:

" My dear sons I am really very sorry but the heaven is full and I can accommodate only one of u, so to choose the right person, one by one tell me what u have done in your lifetime.

"The Priest goes up first and says "well God I'm a priest, I am u r humble servant and have spent all my life working to spread your message."

The Doctor goes up next and says "well I'm a doctor and I have helped thousands of people recover from their illnesses"

The SOFTWARE ENGINEER goes up says "well I worked as an SOFTWARE ENGINEER and........",
before the ENGINEER could say anything further, the heaven's gates opened and God came with tears in his eyes and said to the SOFTWARE ENGINEER

Say no more my son come with me, u have already been thru HELL...

U KNOW ABOUT ABC....XYZ OF LOVE

2008-03-26T03:46:00.000-07:00

A - ASK LESS,GIVE MORE
B - BELIVE IN TOGETHERC
C - CALL EACH OTHER NO REASON ATALL
D - DON'T GIVE UPON EACH OTHER
E - EXPRESS WITH ACTIONS
F - FORGET EACH OTHER OTHER FAULTS
G - GIVE EACH OTHER TOP PRIORITY
H - HOLD HANDS NOT GRUDGES
I - INSIST ON A KISS WHENEVER MET
J - JUST DON'T CARE ABOUT ANY THING ELSE
K - KEEP NO SECRETS FROM EACH OTHER
L - LOOK NO FUTHER THAN UR BELOVED
M - MAKE UP UR HEART NOT UR MIND
N - NEVER SAY " NO"
O - OVER LOOK UR SELF
P - PREACH LESS,PRACTICE MORE
Q - QUIT BAD HABITS,DEVELOP GOOD
R - REPLY TO PHONES,SMS,LETTERS AGAIN &AGAIN
S - SLEEP LESS,DREAM MORE
T - TUNE INTO EACHOTHER CONSTANTLY
U - UNDERSTAND EACHOTHER PERFECTLY
V - VOTE FOR RITE TO LOVE
W - WHISPER EVERY SWEET NOTINGS FOR HRS&HRS
X - X-RATE EVERY MOMENT SPENT TOGETHER
Y - YEARN FOR EACH OTHER ENDLESSLY
Z - ZOOM IN & OUT OF EACH OTHERS THOUGHTS
............ ...ALLTIME

FRIENDSHIP Means

2008-03-26T03:44:00.001-07:00

FRIENDSHIP MEAN BEAUTY OF A HUMAN
FRIENDSHIP MEAN LIKE GOLDS
FRIENDSHIP MEAN FRESH FLOWER
FRIENDSHIP MEAN FEELING
FRIENDSHIP MEAN HAPPINESS
FRIENDSHIP MEAN PLEASED
FRIENDSHIP MEAN SHARING
FRIENDSHIP MEAN THINKING
FRIENDSHIP MEAN SUGGESTION
FRIENDSHIP MEAN CONNECTION
FRIENDSHIP MEAN WASTING TIME
FRIENDSHIP MEAN KILLER OF LIFE
FRIENDSHIP MEAN TEASING
FRIENDSHIP MEAN JOKING
FRIENDSHIP MEAN GOOD RELATIONSHIP
FRIENDSHIP MEAN GOOD PARTNER
FRIENDSHIP MEAN CALLING IN A SAVIOR CONDITION
FRIENDSHIP MEAN LEAVING IN A SAVIOR CONDITION
FRIENDSHIP MEAN LIVING IN A GOOD CONDITION
FRIENDSHIP MEAN TIME PASS
FRIENDSHIP MEAN INVESTIGATE
FRIENDSHIP MEANS A PART OF LIFE
FRIENDSHIP MEANS A NICE THING
FRIENDSHIP MEANS A RIVER
FRIENDSHIP MEAN WINDS
FRIENDSHIP MEAN VERY SENSITIVE RELATION
FRIENDSHIP MEAN TREES OF FOOD
FRIENDSHIP MEAN TASTE THAN SUGAR
So lets be friends forever .............

This is an excellent piece of art !

2008-03-19T22:44:00.000-07:00

Take your own time ....u will see

TEN NATIONAL LEADERS

within this tree.

Real good one.

Nuvvu Naaku Nachchaav - Latest version

2008-03-12T21:23:00.000-07:00

Devuda,
Cheppu kovadaniki JOB ichav,
Choopinchataaniki ID CARD ichav,
Free ga ICICI ACCOUNT ichav,
Every month SALARY ichav,

Devuda,
Koorchovataniki KURCHI ichav,
Vundataaniki CUBICLE ichav,
Mails check cheyyataniki SYSTEM ichav,
Chatting ki COMMUNICATOR ichav,

Devuda,
Kaali ga vunte CCD ichav,
Time pass kosam TERMINAL ichav,
Lunch kosam LOTUS icahv,
Punch kosam GOLCONDA kooda ichav,

Kaani,,,
Enduku nannu BENCH meeda vunchav,
ANDUKE NUVVU NAAKU NACHAV…
NACHAV…. NACHAV.. anthe....

A TO Z

2008-02-27T20:35:00.000-08:00

An airplane is flying over the United States at night.

The pilot says:

"Ladies and Gentlemen, the plane is losing altitude and all the baggage must be thrown out."

A little later, the pilot says "We're still losing altitude, we must throw anything out that is in the cabin".

The plane continues its descent despite more things being thrown out.

Pilot: "Still going down - we must throw out some people". There's a big gasp from the passengers!

Pilot: "But to make this fair, passenger will be thrown out in alphabetical order.

So... A... Any Africans on board?" No one moves.

"B... Any Blacks on board?" No one moves.

"C... Any Coloureds on board?" Still, no one moves.

"D... Any Darkies?

A little black boy - asks his dad: "Dad,...what are we?

Dad: " Tonight son, we are Zulus"

Some Good Jokes

2008-02-27T20:32:00.000-08:00

Santa was filling up an application form for a job. He was not sure as to what was to be filled in the column "Salary Expected". After much thought he wrote : Yes!

Santa! Your daughter has died! Depressed, he jumps from the 100th floorAt the 50th floor, he remembers he doesn't have a daughter!At the 25th flr: He's unmarried!At the 10th: He's Banta not Santa.

Santa wins 20 cr from a Rs. 20 lottery ticket. The Dealer gives him 11 cr after deducting taxes. Angry Santa: "Give me 20 cr or else return my 20 Rs back.!"

When Santa & his wife filed an application for divorce, the Judge asked: "How will you divide, you have 3 children?" Pat came Santa's reply: "Ok! We'll apply NEXT YEAR."

Santa's wish: When I die, I wana die like my grandpa who died peacefully in his sleep? Not screaming like all the passengers in the car he was driving..

Santa at an Art Gallery: I suppose this horrible looking thing is what you call Modern art? Art dealer: I beg your pardon sir, that's a mirror!

Santa was writing something very slowly. Banta asked: "Why are you writing so slowly?"Santa: "I'm writing to my 6 yr old son, he can't read very fast."

Flash news: A 2 seater plane crashed in a graveyard in Punjab. Local sardars have so far found 500 bodies and are still digging for more..[/b]

CUSTOMER CARE IN 2020

2008-02-27T20:24:00.000-08:00

Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your..."

Customer: "Heloo, can I order.."

Operator : "Can I have your multi purpose card number first, Sir?" Customer: "It's eh..., hold.......... on......889861356102049998-45-54610"

Operator : "OK... you're... Mr Singh and you're calling from 17 Jalan Kayu. Your home number is 4094! 2366, your office 76452302 and your mobile is 0142662566. Which number are you calling from now Sir?"

Customer: "Home! How did you get all my phone numbers?

Operator : "We are connected to the system Sir"

Customer: "May I order your Seafood Pizza..."

Operator : "That's not a good idea Sir"

Customer: "How come?"

Operator : "According to your medical records, you have high blood
pressure and even higher cholesterol level Sir"

Customer: "What?... What do you recommend then?"

Operator : "Try our Low Fat Hokkien Mee Pizza. You'll like it"

Customer: "How do you know for sure?"

Operator : "You borrowed a book entitled "Popular Hokkien Dishes" from the National Library last week Sir"

Customer: "OK I give up... Give me three family size ones then, how much will that cost?"

Operator : "That should be enough for your family of 10, Sir. The total is $49.9! 9"

Customer: "Can I pay by! credit card? "

Operator : "I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit card is over the limit and you owe your bank $3,720.55 since October last year. That's not including the late payment charges on your housing loan, Sir."

Customer: "I guess I have to run to the neighbourhood ATM and withdraw some cash before your guy arrives"

Operator : "You can't Sir. Based on the records,you've reached your
daily limit on machine withdrawal today&quo t;

Customer: "Never mind just send the pizzas, I'll have the cash ready.
How long is it gonna take anyway?"

Operator : "About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can't wait you can always come and collect it on your motorcycle... "

Customer: " What!"

Operator : "According to the details in system ,you own a Scooter,...registration number 1123..."

Customer: " ????"

Operator : "Is there anything else Sir?"

Customer: "Nothing.! .. by the way... aren't you giving me that 3 free bottles of cola as advertised?"

Operator : "We normally would Sir, but based on your records you're also diabetic....... "

Customer: "***%&$%%### You $##$%%@!)))"

Operator "Better watch your language Sir. Remember on 15th July 1987 you were convicted of using abusive language on a policeman...?"

Customer: Faints...

Mistake

2008-02-27T20:20:00.000-08:00

If a barber makes a mistake,
It's a new style...

If a driver makes a mistake,
It is an accident...

If a doctor makes a mistake,
It's an operation...

If a engineer makes a mistake,
It is a new venture...

If parents makes a mistake,
It is a new generation...

If a politician makes a mistake,
It is a new law...

If a scientist makes a mistake,
It is a new invention...

If a tailor makes a mistake,
It is a new fashion...

If a teacher makes a mistake,
It is a new theory...

If our boss makes a mistake,
It is our mistake...

If an employee makes a mistake,
It is a "MISTAKE"

A FUNNY INTERVIEW

2007-11-01T21:15:00.000-07:00

Officer : What Is Your Name ?
Candidate : M P. Sir
Officer : Tell Me Properly
Candidate : Mohan Pal Sir
Officer : Your Father's Name ?
Candidate : M P. Sir
Officer : What Does That Mean ?
Candidate : Manmohan Pal Sir
Officer : Your Native Place
Candidate : M P. Sir
Officer : Is It Madhya Pradesh ?
Candidate : No, Munnur Pal Sir
Officer : What Is Your Qualification?
Candidate : M P. Sir
Officer : (Angrily) What Is It ?
Candidate : Metric Pass
Officer : Why Do You Need A Job ?
Candidate : M P. Sir
Officer : And What Does That Mean ?
Candidate : Money Problem Sir
Officer : Describe Your Personality
Candidate : M P. Sir
Officer : Explain Yourself Clearly
Candidate : Magnanimous Personality Sir
Officer : This Discussion Is Nowhere, You May Go Now
Candidate : M P. Sir
Officer : What Is It Now
Candidate : My Performance....?
Officer : Mp !!!
Candidate : What Is That Sir..?
Officer : Mentally Puncture

SARDARJI CARTOONS

2007-10-04T04:40:00.000-07:00

some smart jokes

2007-09-27T01:27:00.000-07:00

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.

"I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you." Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!" When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.

Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool. Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that even my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, can answer it ."

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After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation. They are all asked the same question, "When you're lying in your casket, and friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?" The first guy immediately responds, "I would like to hear them say that I was one of the great doctors of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in the children of tomorrow." The last guy thinks for a moment, and then replies, "I guess I'd like to hear them say, 'Look, he's moving!'"Â

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Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of Texas A&M, "And what starting salary were you looking for?" The Engineer said, "In the neighbourhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, a company matching retirement fund for 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every 2 years -- say, a red Corvette?" The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?" And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

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A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.

The officer handed the man a citation, and then as he turned to walk back to his cruiser, the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair. There were plenty of other cars around me going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?"

"Ever go fishing?" the policeman asked the man.

"Um, yeah... so," the startled man replied.

The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch ALL the fish?"

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Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, the pretty girl said, "I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?" "Only one kiss per yard," replied the male clerk with a smirk. "That's fine," said the girl. "I'll take ten yards." With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly held it out.

The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old geezer standing beside her, and smiled, "Grandpa will pay the bill"Â

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A resident in a posh hotel breakfast room called over the head waiter one morning and read from the menu. "I'd like one under-cooked egg so that it's runny, and one over-cooked egg so that it's tough and hard to eat. I'd also like grilled bacon which is a bit on the cold side, burnt toast, butter straight from the freezer so that it's impossible to spread, and a pot of very weak, lukewarm coffee." "That's a complicated order sir," said the bewildered waiter. "It might be quite difficult." The guest replied sarcastically, "It can't be that difficult because that's exactly what you brought me yesterday!"

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A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas." Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?" The kid says, "One." The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid says, "$101,237.64." The boss says, "$101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?"

Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?" Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'"Â

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Bert took his Saint Bernard to the vet. "Doctor," he said sadly, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to cut off my dog's tail." The vet stepped back, "Bert, why should I do such a terrible thing?" "Because my mother-in-law's arriving tomorrow, and I don't want anything to make her think she's welcome."

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Two friends were standing in a bank when a pair of robbers entered. Not only did the thieves clean out the tills, but they walked around with bags and ordered everyone to throw their valuables in. Just as the robbers got to the pair, one of the friends turned to the other and, passing him a bill, said, "By the way, Joe, here's that twenty bucks I owe you.

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A young businessman had just started his own firm. He'd rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear busy, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally, he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?" The man said, "Sure. I've come to install the phone!"

Wedding Query....... . (SQL Server Stored Procedure Style)

2007-09-20T02:40:00.000-07:00

CREATE PROCEDURE MyMarriage
@ BrideGroom Char(NotBad) ,
@ Bride Char(Good)
AS
BEGIN
SELECT Bride FROM india_ Brides
WHERE
FatherInLaw = 'Millionaire' AND
CarCount > 2 AND
HouseStatus ='TwoStoreyed' AND
BrideEduStatus= 'PG orAbove' AND
HavingBrothers= 'NO' AND
HavingSisters ='No' AND
AllowRelocate ='YES'

SELECT Gold ,Cash,Car,BankBalance FROM FatherInLaw

UPDATE MyBankAccout SET MyBal = MyBal + FatherinLawBal
UPDATE MyLocker SET MyLockerContents = MyLockerContents + FatherinLawGold

INSERT INTO MyCarShed VALUES ('BMW')
END
GO
....
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
Then the wife writes the below query:
DROP HUSBAND
Commit;

MSN messenger nicks

2007-09-18T22:11:00.000-07:00

If electricty comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Moblie phones are the only subject on which men boast about who's got the smallest

A friend will bail u out of jail, but a best friend will be there with u saying, Damn that was fun!

Trying is the first step towards failure

If you hate me, I love you too. It ain't my fault I'm better than you

If you are drinking to forget, pay in advance

The funny thing about Common sense is that it's not very common

I Dont Like The Drugs, But The Drugs Like Me

Save a horse, ride a Cowboy!

There are no stupid questions, just stupid people

I'm the girl your parents warned you about

I'm fat, but your ugly. I can diet

I'm cool, I'm hot....I'm everything you're not

I have lost my phone number, can I have yours?

Sometimes I wish I were you, just so I could be friends with me

One night the moon said to me, if love makes you cry why dont you leave your lover. I looked back at moon and said would u ever leave your sky

I'm in a good mood don't ruin it by chatting (BRB)

The more I learn, the more I forget. So why would I learn?

:S When I first talked to you, I was afraid to hold u, when I held u, I was afraid to love u, now that I love you I am afraid to lose you! :S

(L) Love is like quicksandâ€¦ the deeper you fall in the harder it is to get out!(L)

Love is like sand if you hold on too tight it might slip away

Diamond was just a coal that did well under perssure

My calculations are U+ME=US!

(B) Donâ€™t drink and drive you could spill your drink! (B)

The rich get richer and the poor get children

I would tell ya to go to hell but all dogs go to heaven

Take my advice...I don't need it anyways

Fat people are harder to kidnap

I know that you know that I know that you think I'm the best, that's why you never tell me

You're unique, just like everyone else....

Without friends no one would choose to live, though he had all other goods

Don't be impressed by anyone make yourself that people should be impressed by you!

Im like a parking ticket, I have 'FINE' written all over me!

Diamonds are a girls best friend

Time is what keeps things from happening all at once

He's lookin so fine, he's gonna be mine

Those who know do not say, those who say do not know

The higher you are, the farther you fall

A true friend is someone who is there for you when he'd rather be anywhere else

There are more fish in the sea but watch out for tha sharks

I didn't ask to be a princess... I asked to be a queen...

If you hate me, i love you too. It ain't my fault i'm better than you

I want to be a millionaire!

If your name was homework, I'd be doing you on my desk right now...

The shortest word for me is I, the sweetest word for me is LOVE, but the only word for me is YOU

My mother told me not to talk to stranger, I odn't talk to myself anymore!

Every step you take, Every move you make, I'll be missin' you!

Can I go thru your closet...I need a halloween costume!

I only play soccer on days that end in y!

Most people walk in and out of you life. But only friends leave footprints in your heart

Dont steal, the government hates competition

It's Not The Size Of The Boat its the motion of the ocean

I'm SOOOO hot that when I go Outside The Snow Melts

When I Walk In The Room All The gUys Look In My Direction... BUt Can I Blame Them I'm Pure Prefection

Sweet By Light..........Naughty By Night

There used to be men on dis earth ... what happened?

Why is it i must climb thousands of moutains to get to u and all u gotta do is smile

Love must be a game that I always loose

Moving on is simple... its what u leave behind thats so hard

It takes a few second to say hello, but forever to say goodbye

If u cant deal wid it .. dont pretend

Dont walk in front of me ... i may not follow. dont walk behind me i may not lead, just walk beside me and be my buddy

Its LALOO TIME

2007-09-16T22:59:00.000-07:00

One day Laloo was travelling by his car. He was going to a village for campaigning . Suddenly a piglet came before the car.

The driver could'nt hit the brake at the right time and unfortunately the baby pig was killed in the accident . At the sight Laloo was deeply moved and felt very upset He called the driver and said ,"Jiska e suuar hai hum usko compensesan dena chahta hoon . Usko dhundke lav ".

At his words the driver went to the nearest village and came back after some time with a tilak on his forehead, garlands around his neck and lots of money in his hands!!!

Laloo was surprised . He asked ,"Hum tumko kaha tha ke uss aadmi ko laiye , aur tum aise wapas aaye ho! baat kya hai?"

At this the driver replied " I told them about the incident . Hearing it they were rejoiced , put tilak and garlands on me, then danced for some time and gave this money."

Laloo then asked him "Aap unko eg-jectly kaa bole?"

The driver replied : "Main bola, mein Laloo Prasad Yadav ka driver hoon, maine suaar ke bachhe ko mar dala hai.........."

Read this and laugh

2007-09-16T22:57:00.000-07:00

What makes: ”Ooooooo“?

An Cow without lips.

Female friend to her blonde girl friend; ” I went for a pregnancy test yesterday“ Blonde friend: ”Oh, was it difficult?“

Little boy asks his spinster aunt: ”Why have you never married?“ she replied: ”because I have a parrot, a dog and a cat. They are just like a man, the parrot swears like a man, the dog farts continuously like a man and the cat strays at night , like a man!“

A girl was yelling in the Church after the Chapel:
"Oh God! Please make Moscow the Capital of China!"
The priest inquired: "Why must you pray so, my child?"

Girl: "That's what I've written in my answer sheet in the examination!"

Granny gets on to her bicycle…her little grandson asked her: ”Where are you going to, Granny?“ She replied:“ to the graveyard, my boy“. Grandson: “but who is going to bring the bicycle back?“

Definition of a Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.

Definition of a Cigarette : A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool at the other.

Definition of a Divorce : Future tense of marriage

Definition of a Dictionary : A place where divorce comes before marriage.

Definition of a Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight

Good Jokes

2007-09-16T22:55:00.000-07:00

2 Dost Suicide karne gae, Pahala : "Hey Bhagwan muje dunia ki saari
nafrat de Pareshani de Duk de!" Dusra dost : "Abe tu maut maang raha
hai ki Reliance mai Job.

Q - What is the Difference Between Mother & Wife ?
A - One Woman Brings U into this world crying... & the other ensures U Continue to do so.

Sardar to Shopkeeper: - Mujhe India Ka Flag Dikhao, Shopkeeper ne Flag
Dikhaya, Sardar: - Isme aur Colour Dikhao.

How can a Sardar Kill a Lion ? Sardarji thinks N thinks hard &
comes to a conclusion: I'll drink poison n let lion eat me. O' bolo ta ra ra.

A Chinese pair accidentally had twins without getting married, Guess what they named them... Jo Hua, So Hua.

Wife : Honey ...... What are You Looking for ?
Husband : Nothing.
Wife : Nothing...?? U've been reading our marriage certificate 4 an
hour ...?? Husband : I was just looking 4 the expiry date.

Papa : beta har parai stri ko apni Maa samjho to tumhara character
thik ho jaaega.....Beta : Lekin Papa fir Aap ke character ka kya hoga....

Sardar: O Banno Car ki speed itani ky badha di..? biwi: Oji Car ki break fail ho gayi hai, Exident ho jaye iske pahale ghar pahunch jaate hai.

Sardar : Sitting on The Top of the Mountain and Studying.... When a Person asked what he was doing.... He replied... Oye!! Higher Studies Yaar...!!!

Mayawati came to Lalu's House with a Goat.....
Lalu : Bhaiswa ko kyun Layi ho....??
Maya : Dikhta nahi, Goatwa hai..??
Lalu : Hum Goatwa se hi Puch raha Hun..!!

Wife : Do you want dinner?
Husband : Sure, what are my choices?
Wife : Yes and no.

Man : How old is your father?
Boy : As old as me.
Man : How can that be?
Boy : He became a father only when I was born.

Teacher : Correct the sentence, "A bull and a cow is grazing in the field"
Student : A cow and a bull is grazing in the field
Teacher : How?
Student : Ladies first.

Customer: If I post this letter tonight, will it get to Delhi in two days time?
Post Master : Yes sir, it definitely will.
Customer : I bet you, it won't.
Post Master : Why not?
Customer : It's addressed to Mumbai.

1st thief : Oh ! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of the window!
2nd thief : But this is the 13th floor.
1st thief : Hurry! this is no time for superstitions

Santa : That Cow is a Lovely Colour ,
Farmer : Yes, it's a Jersey.
Santa : Oh, I Thought it was its Skin...!!!

Top 10 Blonde FAQs

2007-09-16T22:53:00.000-07:00

Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you?
A: Tell her she’s pregnant.

Q: How does a blonde kill a fish?
A: She drowns it.

Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

Q: Why don’t blondes eat bananas?
A: They can’t find the zipper.

Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shirts?
A: Tits go in front.

Q: Why do blondes like lightning?
A: They think someone is taking their picture.

Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde?
A: There is a stamp on it.

Q: Why don’t blondes talk when having sex?
A: Their mothers told them not to talk to strangers.

Q: How do you drown a blond?
A: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.

Q: Why do blondes hate M&Ms?
A: They’re too hard to peel.

IF ONLY LIFE COULD BE LIKE A COMPUTER!

2007-09-16T22:51:00.000-07:00

-If you messed up your life, you could press "Alt, Ctrl, Delete" and start all over!
-To get your daily exercise, just click on "run"!

-If you needed a break from life, click on "suspend".

-Hit "any key" to continue life when ready.

-To get even with the neighbors, turn up the sound blaster.

-To "add/remove" someone in your life, click settings and control panel.

-To improve your appearance, just adjust the display settings.

-If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers.

-When you lose your car keys, click on "find".

-"Help" with the chores is just a click away.

-You wouldn't need auto insurance. You'd use your boot diskette to recover from a crash.

-We could click on "send" and the kids would go to bed immediately.

-To feel like a new person, click on "refresh".

-Click on "close" to shut up the kids and spouse.

-To undo a mistake, click on "back".

-Is your wardrobe getting old? Click "update".

-If you don't like cleaning the litter box, click on "delete".

FUNNY QUOTES ABOUT MARRIAGE

2007-09-16T22:31:00.000-07:00

1. "My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met." - Rodney Dangerfield.

2. "Ah, yes, divorce... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." - Robin Williams.

3. "A married man should forget his mistakes; no use two people remembering the same thing." - Duane Dewel.

4. "When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that's a few steps ahead is the one that's mad." - Helen Rowland

5. "I have never really understood this liking for war. It panders to instincts already well catered for in any respectable domestic establishment." - Alan Bennett

6. "Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." - Jackie Mason

7. "Marriage is like putting your hand into a bag of snakes in the hope of pulling out an eel." - Leonardo Di Vinci.

8. "I don't think I'll get married again. I'll just find a woman I don't like and give her a house." - Lewis Grizzard.

9. "I'm the only man in the world with a marriage licence made out to whom it may concern." - Mickey Rooney.

10. "I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her." - Rodney Dangerfield.

ALL TIME BEST 50 JOKES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2007-09-16T22:19:00.000-07:00

1
A Teacher lecturing on population - In India after Every 10 sec a woman gives birth to a kid.
A Sardar stands up- we must find & stop her!.

2
Sardar-why r all these people running?
Man- This is a race, the winner will get the cup.
Sardar-If only the winner will get the cup, why r others running?

3
Teacher: "I killed a person" convert this sentence into future tense.
Sardar: The future tense is "u will go to jail".

4
Sardarji was filling up application form for a job. He was not sure as to what to be filled in column "Salary Expected".
After much thought he wrote: Yes!

5
Sardar told his servant: Go and water the plants. Servant it's already raining. Sardar: So what? Take an umbrella and go.

6
Sardar wins 20 cr from Rs. 20 lottery ticket. Dealer gave 11cr after deducting tax. Angry Sardar: "Give me 20 cr or else
return my 20 Rs back.

7
Postman:- I Have To Come 5 Miles To Deliver U This Packet
Sardar:- why did u come so far. Instead u could have posted it....

8
Sardar's wish :when i die,i wana die like my grandpa who died peacefully in his sleep not screaming like all the passengers in the car he was driving..

9
Sardar at an Art Gallery: I suppose this horrible looking thing is what you call modern art ?
Art dealer: I beg your pardon sir, thats a mirror!

10
Sardar was writing something very slowly.
Friend asked:" Why r u writing so slowly?
Sardar: "I'm writing to my 6 yr old son, he can't read very fast.

11
Flash news: A 2 seater plane crashed in a graveyard in punjab . Local sardars have so far found 500 bodies and are still digging for more..

12
A man asked sardarji, why Manmohan singh goes walking at evening not
in the morning. Sardarji replied "Arey bhai Manmohan is PM not AM".

13
Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Darling : When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Darling : Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem Can there be greater than this one?

14
Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries or troubles.
Girl: Well that is because we aren't married yet.

15
Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.

16
A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?" "Honey," the woman replied Sweetly, "I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE"

17
Father to son after exam: "let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

18
A teacher asked her class for sentences using the word "beans"..
My Father grows beans," said one student. "My father cooks beans," said another.
Then little Johnny spoke up: "We are all human beans."

19
Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?"
Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."
Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman.
Interviewer: "What were you before you married her?"
Millionaire: "A Billionaire"

20
Its funny when people discuss over "love marriage" and "arranged marriage"
It is like asking a person if he would like to "hang himself" or "shoot himself".

21
What is a girl friend?
Addition of problems, subtraction of money, multiplication of enemies & division of friends.

22
Guide: "I welcome you all to Niagara Falls. These are the world's largest waterfalls and the sound intensity of the waterfall is so high, even 20 supersonic planes passing by can't be heard. Now may I request the ladies to keep quite so that we can hear the Niagara Falls?"

23
Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist.
If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for seven years.
The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board overlooking an empty swimming pool, and asks the first
patient to jump.

The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.

Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.

The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump.

"Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor.

To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!"

24
As a old man was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,
"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car," said Herman, "It's hundreds of them!"

25
Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

26
What's the definition of lawyer?
The larval form of a politician

27
Sardar comes back 2 his car & finds a note saying "Parking Fine"

28
How do you recognize a Sardar in School?
He is the one who erases the notes from the book when the teacher erases the board.

29
once a Sardhar was walking and had a glove on one hand and not on other so the man asked him why did he do so. He Replied that the weather forecast announced that on one hand it would be cold and on the other hand it would be hot.

30
Sardarji bought a brand new Maruti and decided to drive down from Amritsar, where he lived, to Jalandar to meet his friend. He reached there in a few hours. After spending a few days there, he decided to return, and called up his mother to expect him in the evening. But he didn't reach in the evening and not the next day either. " When he finally reached home on the third day, his distraught mother ran and asked him " Arre Puttar, ki hoya? (What Happened, My Son?)

31
The Sardarji got out, obviously very tired from a long journey, and said, "Oy, ye Marutti wale pagal hain, agge jaane waaste chaar gear banaate hain, )aur pichche jaane waaste sirf ik?" (These Maruti Car people are crazy! They have four gears for going forward, but only one for going back!

32
Santa Singh decided to start a chicken farm so he bought a hundred chickens to begin with. A month later he returned to the dealer for another hundred chickens .because all of the first lot had died. A month later he was back at t he dealer for another hundred chickens for the second lot had also died 'But I think I know where I'm going wrong,' said Santa, 'I think I'm planting them too deep.'

33
2 Dost Suicide karne gae, Pahala : "Hey Bhagwan muje dunia ki saari nafrat de Pareshani de Duk de!" Dusra dost : "Abe tu maut maang raha hai ki Reliance mai Job.

34
Q - What is the Difference Between Mother & Wife ?
A - One Woman Brings U into this world crying... & the other ensures U Continue to do so.

35
Sardar to Shopkeeper: - Mujhe India Ka Flag Dikhao, Shopkeeper ne Flag
Dikhaya, Sardar: - Isme aur Colour Dikhao.

36
How can a Sardar Kill a Lion ? Sardarji thinks N thinks hard & comes to a conclusion: I'll drink poison n let lion eat me. O' bolo ta ra ra.

37
A Chinese pair accidentally had twins without getting married, Guess what they named them... Jo Hua, So Hua.

38
Wife : Honey ...... What are You Looking for ?
Husband : Nothing.
Wife : Nothing...?? U've been reading our marriage certificate 4 an hour ...?? Husband : I was just looking 4 the expiry date.

39
Papa : beta har parai stri ko apni Maa samjho to tumhara character thik ho jaaega.....Beta : Lekin Papa fir Aap ke character ka kya hoga....

40
Sardar: O Banno Car ki speed itani ky badha di..? biwi: Oji Car ki break fail ho gayi hai, Exident ho jaye iske pahale ghar pahunch jaate hai.

41
Sardar : Sitting on The Top of the Mountain and Studying.... When a
Person asked what he was doing.... He replied... Oye!! Higher Studies Yaar...!!!

42
Mayawati came to Lalu's House with a Goat.....
Lalu : Bhaiswa ko kyun Layi ho....??
Maya : Dikhta nahi, Goatwa hai..??
Lalu : Hum Goatwa se hi Puch raha Hun..!! 52

43
Wife : Do you want dinner?
Husband : Sure, what are my choices?
Wife : Yes and no.

44
Man : How old is your father?
Boy : As old as me.
Man : How can that be?
Boy : He became a father only when I was born

45
Teacher : Correct the sentence, "A bull and a cow is grazing in the field"
Student : A cow and a bull is grazing in the field
Teacher : How?
Student : Ladies first.

46
Customer: If I post this letter tonight, will it get to Delhi in two days time?
Post Master : Yes sir, it definitely will.
Customer : I bet you, it won't.
Post Master : Why not?
Customer : It's addressed to Mumbai.

47
1st thief : Oh ! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of the window!
2nd thief : But this is the 13th floor.
1st thief : Hurry! this is no time for superstitions

48
Man before Marriage I like Airtel...."Aisi Azaadi Aur Kahaan"
After Marriage He's Like Hutch... " Where R U Go Our Network Follows."

49
Santa : That Cow is a Lovely Colour ,
Farmer : Yes, it's a Jersey.
Santa : Oh, I Thought it was its Skin...!!!
gaya... aur main...SWARGWASI. ..

50
They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is
love; after marriage it is self-defense

The ABCL Coporation Ltd....

2007-09-16T22:18:00.001-07:00

ANAND jab BOMBAY TO GOA gaya to DON ban gaya.

Uske raaste ke pathar KABHI KABHI uski MILLI ke KASME VAADE
ki tarah ABHIMAAN paida kar oose PARWANA ban NE par MAJBOOR kar deta the.

BARSAAT KI EK RAAT mein LAAWARIS dil me SHOLAY bhadak uthe.
Logon se YAARANA badhakar ye SAUDAGAR apna KHOON PASINA bahata hua ek
SILSILA jamata raha.

Lekin hai re NASEEB! Ek NAMAK HALAAL par ek NAMAK HARAAM NE
TRISHUL phek kar oose KHUDDAR se DESH DROHI bana diya.

ANDHA KANOON aur ADAALAT kabhi is MR. NATWARLAL ko GIRAFTAAR na kar sake.
Who MAHAAN se NAASTIK ban kar kabhi AMAR AKBAR ANTHONY, kabhi SHARABI,
kabhi KAALIA, kabhi COOLIE ban at. Aur kabhi HERA PHERI kar SATTE PE SATTA marta.

Lekin ek din wo KAALA PATHTHAR ek DESH PREMI ban gaya.
Oos MARD me ek SHAKTI jaagi aur wo MUQADDAR KA SIKANDAR samay
ki GANGA JAMNA SARASWATI paar kar SHAHENSHAH ban gaya!

HUM ye nahi jaante ke kal KOUN BANEGA CROREPATI?
Sirf itna jaante hai ki agar aap ko bhi iis AGNEEPATH aur KOHRAM se
guzar na hai to to aap bhi AAJ KA ARJUN ban kar dekh lo.

AKELA nikal pado TOOFAN ki tarah AAKHRI RASTA ki taraf!
Agar MRITYUDAATA bane to hathon me ZANZEER hogi aur apne aap ko
DEEWAR ke ander paoge.
Aur MAJOR SAAB bane to RAAM BALRAAM ki tarah SHAAN se AJOOBA paoge....

On doctors

2007-09-16T22:16:00.000-07:00

Here are some on doctors...

The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where
Morris was working on a car. Morris in a loud voice, all
could hear, said argumentatively, "So Mr. fancy doctor,
look at this work. I also take valves out, grind 'em, put
in new parts, and when I finish this baby will purr like
a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when you and
me are doing basically the same work?"

DeBakey, very embarrassed, walked away and said softly, to
Morris, "Try doing your work with the engine running."

The patient awakened after the operation to find herself
in a room with all the blinds drawn.

"Why are all the blinds closed?" she asked her doctor.

"Well," the surgeon responded, "They're fighting a huge
fire across the street, and we didn't want you to wake
up and think the operation had failed."

Doctors at a hospital in Brooklyn, New York have gone on
strike. Hospital officials say they will find out what
the Doctors' demands are as soon as they can get a pharmacist
over there to read the picket signs!

A Love Story At Dr. Watson's Office...

I shall seek and find you.
I shall take you to bed and control you.
I will make you ache, shake and sweat until you grunt and
groan. I will make you beg for mercy. I will exhaust you
to the point that you will be relieved when I leave you.
And you will be weak for days.

How Santa Singh got H is Job.

2007-09-16T22:14:00.000-07:00

Santa Singh is called for an interview in some firm. He lands there on time .

He is immediately hauled inside in front of the interviewing officer. Officer looks at Santa Singh Then goes thru his certificates and then starts asking him questions.

Following is the transcript :

O : Mr. Santa Singh, after seeing your qualifications & credentials I would like to ask you only some simple questions. If you can answer those then you are selected. First we will start with some opposites

S : Yes Sir.

Officer started asking questions

O : Above

S : Below

O : Front

S : Back

O : Left

S : Right

O : Male

S : Female

O : Ugly (means Next in Punjabi)

S : Pichhly (means Previous in Punjabi)

O : Ugly...U-G-L- Y( Officer spells it)

S : Pichhly...P- I-C-H-H-L- Y( Our Santa Singh also spells it)

O : U.....G..... L ...... Y.....(Officer shouts)

S : P ..... I ..... C ..... H ....... H ...... L ..... Y......

Our Santa Singh also shouts)

Officer is now angry.

O : Get out

S : Come in.

O : Quiet please.

S : Talk please.

O : You are rejected.

S : I am selected ........ ....... And This is how Santa Singh got his job.

TOUNG TWISTERS

2007-09-16T22:08:00.000-07:00

Peter bought a butter,
The butter Peter bought was bitter,
So Peter Bought A better butter,
To make the bitter butter better.

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck
if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
He would chuck, he would, as much as he could,
and chuck as much wood as a wood chuck would
if a woodchuck could chuck wood.

Which witch wished which wicked wish?

Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers.
Did Peter Piper pick a peck of pickled peppers?
If Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers,
where's the peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked?

This was the toughest one for me!

She sells sea shells by the sea shore.
The shells she sells are surely seashells.
So if she sells shells on the seashore,
I'm sure she sells seashore shells.

A flea and a fly flew up in a flue.
Said the flea, "Let us fly!"
Said the fly, "Let us flee!"
So they flew through a flaw in the flue.

Betty Botter had some butter,
But, she said, "this butter's bitter.
If I bake this bitter butter, it would make my batter bitter.
But a bit of better butter that would make my batter better.
So she bought a bit of butter,
better than her bitter butter,
And she baked it in her batter,
and the batter was not bitter.
So 'twas better Betty Botter bought a bit of better butter.

A big black bug bit a big black bear,
made the big black bear bleed blood.

Lesser leather never weathered wetter weather better.

A bitter biting bittern Bit a better brother bittern,
And the bitter better bittern Bit the bitter biter back.
And the bitter bittern, bitten, By the better bitten bittern,
Said: "I'm a bitter biter bit, alack!"

Mr. See owned a saw.
And Mr. Soar owned a seesaw.
Now See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw
Before Soar saw See,
Which made Soar sore.
Had Soar seen See's saw before See sawed Soar's seesaw,
See's saw would not have sawed Soar's seesaw.
So See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw.
But it was sad to see Soar so sore
Just because See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw!

Silly Sally swiftly shooed seven silly sheep.
The seven silly sheep Silly Sally shooed shilly-shallied south.
These sheep shouldn't sleep in a shack;
sheep should sleep in a sack.

Thank You

2007-09-16T22:05:00.000-07:00

There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real "miser" when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife. "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.

Well, he died.

He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close! the ca sket, the wife said, "Wait just a moment!"

She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away.

So her friend said, "Girl, I know you were not fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."

The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him."

You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?"

"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a check.... If he can cash it, he can spend it."

Send this to every clever female you know, and to every man who thinks they are smarter than us (women)!!!

Grandma's Boy friend

2007-09-16T22:04:00.000-07:00

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with
his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and
said,

"Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to
heaven?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom
and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and
the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started
adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated,
she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door,
and there stood Grandma's minister.

The minister said, "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?"

The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her
boyfriend."

The minister fainted.

Shaadi Ke Pehle Aur B aad

2007-09-16T02:06:00.000-07:00

Shaadi ke pehle - Agar Tum Na Hote
Shaadi ke baad - Agar Tum Na Hote

Shaadi ke pehle - Maine Pyar Kiya
Shaadi ke baad - Ye Maine Kya Kiya?

Shaadi ke pehle - Kuch Kuch Hota Hai
Shaadi ke baad - Kuch Nahi Hota Hai

Shaadi ke pehle - Dil To Pagal Hai
Shaadi ke baad - Dil To Pagal Tha

Shaadi ke pehle - Ek Duje Ke Liye
Shaadi ke baad - Sirf Bachcho Ke Liye

Shaadi ke pehle - Dilwale Dulhaniya Le Jayenge
Shaadi ke baad - Baaki Log Sukhi Ho Jayenge

Shaadi ke pehle - Chandramukhi
Shaadi ke baad - Jwaalamukhi

Shaadi ke pehle - Kuwara Baap
Shaadi ke baad - Bechara Baap

Shaadi ke pehle - Titanic
Shaadi ke baad - Mortgage

Shaadi ke pehle - Hum Aapke Hai Koun?
Shaadi ke baad - Barbadi Ka Kaaran

Shaadi ke pehle - Yes Boss
Shaadi ke baad - Yes Boss

Shaadi ke pehle - Mere Sapno Ki Rani
Shaadi ke baad - Chutki Ki Amma

Shaadi ke pehle - Kabhi Kabhi
Shaadi ke baad - If you are lucky

Shaadi ke pehle - Aao Pyar Karen
Shaadi ke baad - Aur Bhi Kuch Kaam Karen?

Shaadi ke pehle - Hum Apke Hain
Shaadi he baad - Hum Apke Hai Koun?

Some stupid questions...

2007-09-13T22:40:00.000-07:00

People usually ask obvious situations and some equally stupid answers:

At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/friends...
Stupid Question: Hey, what are you doing here?
Answer: Don't u know, I sell tickets in black over here.

In the bus: A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet...
Stupid Question: Sorry, did that hurt?
Answer: No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia. Why don't you try again?

At a funeral: One of the teary eyed people ask...
Stupid Question: Why, why him, of all people.
Answer: Why? Would it rather have been you?

At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter
Stupid Question: Is the "Paneer Butter Masala" dish good?
Answer: No, it’s terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occasionally also spit on it.

At a family get-together: When some distant aunt meets you after years.
Stupid Question: Munna, Chickoo, you've become so big.
Answer: Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself.

When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask...
Stupid Question: Is the guy you're marrying well?
Answer: No, he's a miserable wife beating, insensitive lout...it's just the money.

When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call...
Stupid Question: Sorry. Were you sleeping?
Answer: No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africa marry or not.
And you thought I was sleeping.... You dumb witted moron.

When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair...
Stupid Question: Hey have you had a haircut?
Answer: No, its autumn and I'm shedding.

At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth...
Stupid Question: Tell me if it hurts?
Answer: No it won’t. It will just bleed.

You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman asks...
Stupid Question: Oh, so you smoke.
Answer: Gosh, it's a miracle ...it was a piece of chalk and now it's in flames!

Village school

2007-09-13T22:39:00.000-07:00

A usual inspection was about to happen in a village school. The teacher had instructed the students a day before that they should come to school with thorough preparation.

The inspector visits the classroom & asks 1 student: Batao Parshuram ka dhanush kisne toda tha?

The students gets nervous, he stands up shaking & says: Masterji main bhagwan kasam khata hun maine nahi toda!

The inspector looks at teacher in astonishment.

The teacher comes close to the inspector & whispers in his ears: Pointing towards a student the teacher says " Sir mujhe lagta hai Mukesh ne hi toda hai! Class ka sabse saitan bachcha hai aur iski ungliyon pe dekho nishan bhi hai! "

ELEPHANT JOKES

2007-09-13T22:35:00.000-07:00

Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging?
A: Take away his credit card.

Q: Why is an elephant big, grey, and wrinkly?
A:Because, if it was small, white and smooth it would be an Aspirin.

Q: Why did the elephant fall out of the tree?
A: Because it fell asleep.

Q: Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree?
A: It was glued to the first one.

Q: Why did the third elephant fall out of the tree?
A: It was a copy cat.

Q: Why did the fourth elephant fall out of the tree?
A: It thought this was all a game.

Q: And why did the tree fall down?
A: It thought it was an elephant.

Q: What does an elephant and a blueberry have in common?
A: They're both blue, except for the elephant.

Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw 1,000 elephants coming over the hill?
A: Look, there's 1,000 elephants coming over the hill.

Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?
A: With a blue elephant gun, of course.

Q: How do you shoot a red elephant?
A: No, not with a red elephant gun. You strangle him until he turns blue, then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.

Q: How do you shoot a green elephant?
A: Tell him a dirty joke so he turns red, strangle him until he turns blue, then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.

Q: How do you shoot a yellow elephant?
A: Aw, come on, have you ever seen a yellow elephant !?!

Q: Why do elephants have red eyes?
A: So they can hide themselves better in cherry trees.

Q: Ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?
A: No? See how well the trick with the red eyes works?

Q: What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?
A: Time to get a new fence.

Q: Where does an 8 ton elephant sit?
A: Any damn place where he pleases!

Q: Why is an elephant covered in wrinkles?
A: Ever try to iron one?

What if he went to hell

2007-09-13T22:33:00.000-07:00

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah!" The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, Then you ask him".

Biggest Funny SMS Collection

2007-09-13T22:29:00.000-07:00

1) Filmi life aur Asli life me kya ANTAR hai?Srdr:Film me bahut mushkilo k bad
shadi hoti hai. Asli life me shadi k bad bahut mushkil hoti hai.

2) It was Santa's weding aniversary.Preeto :Shall v hav Tandoori chicken to
celebrate? Santa:y punish da poor chicken for da mistake v hav made

3) Fizao me tum ho Hawao me tum ho Baharo me tum ho Dhoop me tum ho chhaon me
tum ho.Sach hi suna tha.buri aatma ka koi thikana nahi hota...

4) U'r very special for me. I'm very concerned about u'r safety. But I can't be
with u always. So please, Take Care of yourself when u jump from 1 tree 2 another!

5) Definition of a Nurse
" a young and beautiful woman who fingers you in all places n holds
your hand and then expects your pulse to be normal...!"

6)
To,
The A.C.P,
Police station

Respected Sir,
As my friend forgot to SMS me,I kindly request u to take action against him & encounter His USELESS mobile !

7) Jab hum roya karenge teri yaden dhoya karenge,Jab hum pia karenge tujhe yaad
kia karenge,Agar hum mar bhi gaye to kya hoga,YAMRAJ ke mobile se SMS kia karenge

8)Bhagwan ke bina mandir adhoora hai, dosti ke bina jeevan adhoora hai,patni ke
bina ghar adhoora hai,AUR AAPKE BINA CIRCUS ADHOORA HAI.

9) Yeh kis tarah yaad aa rahe ho,
Aankhen band hai phir bhi nazar aa rahe ho,
Na jane kyon aisa lagta hai jaise saamne khade ho aur POONCHH HILAA rahe ho...!!!

10)
Aankho me "SHARAFAT"
Chaal me "NAJAKAT"
Dil me "SACHCHAI" aur
Chehre me "SAFAI"

Funny Rikshaw lines in Pakistan..

2007-09-13T22:27:00.000-07:00

Maalik Ki Gaadi Driver Ka Paseena - Chalti Hai Road Par Ban Kar Haseena

Buri Nazar Wale, Tera Moonh Kala

Mera Pakistan Mahan (Lekin Janta Pareshan)

Qismat Aazma Chuka, Muqadar Aazma Raha Hoon - Aik Baywafa Kay Kahtir Riksha Chala Raha Hoon

Chandni Raat Beeti Jaa Rahi Hai - Ullu Ki Patthi, Too Ab A Rahi Hai

Kabhee Side Say Aatee Ho Kabhee Peechay Say Aatee Ho - Meree Jaan Horn Day Day Kar Mujhay Tum Kyon Satateey Ho

Maan Ki Dua Jannat Ki Hawa - Maan Ki Bud-Dua Ja Beta Rickshaw Chala

Pappu Yaar Tang Na Ker!

Zehreeli Nagan

Koi Jal Gaya, Kisi Nai Dua Di

Quaid-E-Azam Nay Farmaya - Tu Chal, Main Aayaa

Main Phir Aaon Ga

Tapar Hai To Paar Kar Warna Bardaasht Kar

Maan Ki Dua, Baap Ka Chamaat

Dekh Magar Pyar Se!

Khatharnaak Rambo

Horn Day Ker Paas Kerain

Chal Dhanno

Phir Milayngay

Akhri Shahzada

Tera Jadoo Chal Gya

Hosh Ker Kherghosh

Wo Dekho Mastani Ja Rahi Hay

Khuda Keray Haseenoo Ke Baap Mar Jeyeen - Maut Ka Bahana Ho Hum Un Ke Ghar Jeyeen

Abey Kambakath Aisa Soochna Bhi Paap Hoga - Kissi Rooz Tu Bhi Kissi Haseen Ka Baap Hoga

Jokes for Engineers

2007-09-13T22:23:00.000-07:00

Mistake

If a barber makes a mistake,
It's a new style...

If a driver makes a mistake,
It is an accident...

If a doctor makes a mistake,
It's an operation...

If a engineer makes a mistake,
It is a new venture...

If parents makes a mistake,
It is a new generation...

If a politician makes a mistake,
It is a new law...

If a scientist makes a mistake,
It is a new invention...

If a tailor makes a mistake,
It is a new fashion...

If a teacher makes a mistake,
It is a new theory...

If our boss makes a mistake,
It is our mistake...

If an employee makes a mistake,
It is a "MISTAKE"

Good One To Laugh

2007-09-13T22:21:00.000-07:00

1. A FOOLish man tells a woman to STOP talking, but a WISE man tells
her that she looks extremely BEAUTIFUL when her LIPS are CLOSED.

2. One GOOD way to REDUCE Alcohol consumption :
Before Marriage - Drink whenever you are SAD,
After Marriage - Drink whenever you are HAPPY

3. Three FASTEST means of Communication :
1. Tele-Phone
2. Tele-Vision
3. Tell to Woman
Need still FASTER - Tell her NOT to tell ANY ONE.

4. Love your friends not their sisters. Love your sisters not their friends.

5. A man got 2 wishes from GOD. He asked for the Best wine and Best Woman.
Next moment, he had the Best Wine and Mother Teresa next to him.
Moral : BE SPECIFIC

6. What is a BEST and WORST news you can hear at the SAME time ?
It is when your Girl Friend says YOU are the BEST KISSER among all
your Friends.

7. Let us be generous like this : Four Ants are moving through a forest.
They see an ELEPHANT coming towards them. Ant 1 says : we should KILL him.
Ant 2 says : No, Let us break his Leg alone. Ant 3 says : No, we
will just throw him away from our path.
Ant 4 says : No, we will LEAVE him because he is ALONE and we are FOUR.

8. If you do NOT have a Girl Friend - You are missing SOME thing in your life.
If you HAVE a Girl Friend - You are missing EVERY thing in your life.

9. Question : When do you CONGRATULATE someone for their MISTAKE.
Answer : On their MARRIAGE.

10. When your LIFE is in DARKNESS, PRAY GOD and ask him to free you
from Darkness.
Even after you pray, if U R still in Darkness - Please PAY the
ELECTRICITY BILL.

11. Why Government do NOT allow a Man to MARRY 2 Women.
Because per Constitution, you can NOT PUNISH TWICE for the same Mistake.

12. "A Ship is always safe at the shore - but that is NOT what it is
built for" - Albert Einstein

Sardar on PC

2007-09-13T22:20:00.000-07:00

Sardar joined new job. 1st day he worked till late evening on the computer.
Boss was happy and asked, “what you did till evening?”

Sardar : Keyboard alphabets were not in order, so I made it alright

Quote of the Day - 3 May 2007

2007-05-02T22:17:00.000-07:00

Don't look back—forward,
infinite energy,
infinite enthusiasm,
infinite daring,
and infinite patience—then alone can great deeds be accomplished.

--- Vivekananda

Quote of the Day - 2 May 2007

2007-05-01T22:12:00.001-07:00

As long as we believe ourselves to be even the least different from God, fear remains with us; but when we know ourselves to be the One, fear goes; of what can we be afraid?

Quote of the Day - 30 Apr 2007

2007-04-29T20:20:00.001-07:00

Every individual is a center for the manifestation of a certain force. This force has been stored up as the resultant of our previous works, and each one of us is born with this force at our back.

Some funny Definitions Realted to IT

2007-04-27T07:58:00.000-07:00

Project Manager is a Person who thinks Nine women can deliver a baby in One month.
Developer is a Person who thinks it will take 18 months to deliver a baby.
Onsite Coordinator is one who thinks single woman can deliver nine babies in one month.
Marketing Manager is a person who thinks he can deliver a baby even if no man and woman are available.
Resource Optimization Team thinks they don't need a man or woman; they'll produce a child with zero resources.
Documentation Team thinks they don't care whether the child is delivered, they'll just document 9 months.
Quality Auditor is the person who is never happy with the PROCESS to produce a baby
Client is the one who doesn't know why he wants a baby!

Quote of the Day - 27 Apr 2007

2007-04-26T23:39:00.000-07:00

People laugh because I am different. And I laugh because they are all the same...... That's called ATTITUDE .

- Swami Vivekananda

The top six reasons computers must be female

2007-04-26T08:31:00.001-07:00

As soon as you have one, a better one is just around the corner.

No one but the creator understands the internal logic.

Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.

The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

The message "Bad Command or File Name" is about as informative as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you".

As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half of your paycheck on accessories for it.

Don't marry software girl (computer humor)

2007-04-26T01:26:00.000-07:00

Never marry a Testing girl since she always doubts U .

Never marry a DATABASE girl since she always wants her husband to be a UNIQUE key.

Never marry a C girl because she always have a tendency to BREAK the things and EXIT from house.

Never marry a C++ girl as u may encounter some problems in INHERITANCE.

Never marry a JAVA girl since she always throws EXCEPTIONS .

Never marry a VB girl since she has divorce FORM with her always.

Never marry a UNIX girl ,she always dump u with a core.

Never marry a PASCAL girl ,she always scolds u as rascal.

Never marry a COBOL girl since she may be very good in DIVISION of families.

Never marry a NETWORK girl since she may be very good in shooting troubles.

Better marry a girl not belonging to SOFTWARE FAMILY

MARRY A GIRL FROM A "HARD"WARE FAMILY , THEN........ ..

Comming Soon

2007-04-25T06:09:00.001-07:00

Comming Soon